How does life define us from the experiences we have and from these experiences what do we do that has made us feel alive? brief moments of elation? or a continual breath of contentment?
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These are questions I have posed to myself throughout my lifetime since my childhood as a 4ft something 10-year-old starting to understand myself not from other people’s perspectives but from my own. A time of generating my individuality and understanding myself as a complete human being in this world that I live in. A world that seemed to be confusing and complex yet also contradictorily and paradoxically straightforward.
Illusion of control
Fast forward to the present day, experiences that have moulded me and my understanding of the world still is in my perspective only seen as a microcosm of multiple uncertainties. From experiencing sheer depths of despair to smiles of elation from human interactions spanning multiple cultures in a vast array of countries. What I have come to understand is there is a singular unified concept that is common amongst all interactions whether with people or on my own — this is control. And yet even this concept is not without its fallacies.
What I have learnt is that the more you strive to gain control of all around you the more you feel out of control. It is similar to the paradox of gaining knowledge, the more you know the more you realise you do not know. And thus the delusion of control is ever more present and in turn, makes you even more unhappy — just as I had in the past.
Self-deluded you
What I then believed for many years was that others were in control of their self and their destiny. I felt other people’s individualism was complete, they had worked out the complexities of this world and they never were unhappy, but of course, I was wrong. I was only deluding myself into thinking this was true. I am not talking about social networks (although they have a part to play) I am talking about everyday interactions with others whether in person or on the phone.
The point I am making here is that part of the complex puzzle in making you feel alive is to do away with comparing yourself to others, nor should you feel you can be in control of everything around you.
A pause in life and the present you
If control is an illusion, and comparison to others is a fallacy, this means it is impossible to understand the complexities of life and by extension gain true happiness and feel alive? That is by far (at least in part) true. To be happy I have found you need to relinquish all comparisons to others, not compare yourself now to the past and yet still retain all that you have become and the wonderful moments that you have experienced. Think of this as looking at your inner self and taking note in the present of all the happy moments however fleeting.
Of course, control yes is an illusion but this only extends to what happens around you. You can control what happens to you by concentrating on your emotional state, health and personal direction. Letting go of control is how you then become happy in yourself and by virtue is one way to allow yourself to feel alive.
Generating a life worth living
Thinking in the present and relinquishing the perceived control of your life is the same as laying good foundations for a house. It forms a strength of mind that you can work on and build upon. Without which I have come to find it will be hard to create a happy you. You may have fleeting moments in life that give you happiness but this does not give you long-term solid contentment. Yes, important to have these moments but will the underlying you be truly felt to be happy?
The present you is the self you need to work on, the future you is what you need to look towards. And this is where direction through planning your goals for the future will come in. If you have direction you feel in control of your life and destiny even though this is a perception it gives you a solid base to work from and find that long-term inner happiness.
What truly makes you happy? What truly makes you feel alive?
These are two questions I am attempting to answer through this article. The perceived control I thought I had and trying to understand the complex world we all live in brought me unhappiness. Every moment that came by I wanted to fully understand yet this did not bring me happiness but negative emotional reactions — frustration, sadness and sometimes anger.
My turning point was when I relinquished the past, yet kept the good and happy moments as points of reference to look back upon. All negative moments became information I can retain and use for comparison yet not made front and centre only accessible for learning from. I wished to deliberate my own self within this world and decide what “I” wished to be not through comparisons or self-delusion and especially not through my need to control however elusive that feeling may be.
Alive and happy in this life
I am reminded of a poem by Tennyson;
“It may be the golfs will wash us down, it maybe we shall touch the happy isles, and although we are not that strength in old days that moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are. Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will to strive, to seek, to find and not to yield”
— Alfred Tennyson
It epitomises what I am trying to say, I will have happy moments as well as sad moments in my life and these will not control me only mould me, nor can I understand the complexities of them as “that which we are, we are”. To take steps to look forward and not backwards, think in the present and take risks in my life makes me feel alive and happy. To change myself is to be “strong in will to strive” yet still seeking that next adventure to create and write another chapter in my life is to “find and not to yield”.
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What Does It Mean To Be Alive? was originally published in Mindful Mental Health on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.