Photo by Git Stephen Gitau on Pexels
Is your relationship meeting your core emotional needs?
We all desire different things in a relationship, but I believe there are four fundamental emotional needs that are crucial for a healthy and fulfilling partnership.
This 16 questions self-assessment will help you understand how well your emotional needs are being met in the relationship, as well as offer resources that will help you reflect on how you can get your needs met.
How to take the test
Read each feeling statement.Choose the answer that better represents how often you feel that way.Write down the number of points of each answer.At the end of each section, sum the numbers to get your score.Keep going until you reach the end of the test.At the end, use your scores for each section to read your test results for each emotional need.
Ready? Then grab some pen and paper and let’s dive right in.
The Test
Q.1 to 4: Your emotional needs for Safety
Q.1. I feel safe and at ease sharing my views, opinions, thoughts and feelings with my partner, even when I think they might disagree with me
How often do you feel like this?
– Always (5 points)
– Often (4 points)
– Sometimes (3 points)
– Rarely (2 points)
– Never (1 point)
Q.2. I feel relaxed and at ease when I’m around my partner.
How often do you feel like this?
– Always (5 points)
– Often (4 points)
– Sometimes (3 points)
– Rarely (2 points)
– Never (1 point)
Q.3. I feel safe to have conflicts or disagreements with my partner, because I know they will be handled with respect and understanding.
How often do you feel like this?
– Always (5 points)
– Often (4 points)
– Sometimes (3 points)
– Rarely (2 points)
– Never (1 point)
Q.4. I feel that I have healthy boundaries with my partner, and am satisfied with how we treat each other as individual human beings.
How often do you feel like this?
– Always (5 points)
– Often (4 points)
– Sometimes (3 points)
– Rarely (2 points)
– Never (1 point)
End of Safety section: Calculate your score
Sum up your points and write down the numbers of your responses to check your score later on the page.
Q.5 to 8: Your emotional needs for Connection
Q.5. I feel secure that my partner is faithful to me, even when they’re interacting with other people.
How often do you feel like this?
– Always (5 points)
– Often (4 points)
– Sometimes (3 points)
– Rarely (2 points)
– Never (1 point)
Q.6. I feel satisfied with the level of intimacy I have with my partner.
How often do you feel like this?
– Always (5 points)
– Often (4 points)
– Sometimes (3 points)
– Rarely (2 points)
– Never (1 point)
Q.7. I feel satisfied with the amount of time I get to spend alone with my partner.
How often do you feel like this?
– Always (5 points)
– Often (4 points)
– Sometimes (3 points)
– Rarely (2 points)
– Never (1 point)
Q.8. I feel that my partner is not only my lover, but also my best friend.
How often do you feel like this?
– Always (5 points)
– Often (4 points)
– Sometimes (3 points)
– Rarely (2 points)
– Never (1 point)
End of Connection section: Calculate your score
Sum up your points and write down the numbers of your responses to check your score later on the page.
Q.9 to 12: Your emotional needs for Appreciation
Q.9. I feel at ease to show my partner all sides of me.
How often do you feel like this?
– Always (5 points)
– Often (4 points)
– Sometimes (3 points)
– Rarely (2 points)
– Never (1 point)
Q.10. I feel I can communicate anything to my partner, because I know they will make an effort to listen and understand where I’m coming from.
How often do you feel like this?
– Always (5 points)
– Often (4 points)
– Sometimes (3 points)
– Rarely (2 points)
– Never (1 point)
Q.11. I feel open to listen to anything my partner has to say to me, because I know they will be respectful in doing so.
How often do you feel like this?
– Always (5 points)
– Often (4 points)
– Sometimes (3 points)
– Rarely (2 points)
– Never (1 point)
Q.12. I feel that my partner sees and appreciates me for who I am, and doesn’t have an agenda to change me.
How often do you feel like this?
– Always (5 points)
– Often (4 points)
– Sometimes (3 points)
– Rarely (2 points)
– Never (1 point)
End of Appreciation section: Calculate your score
Sum up your points and write down the numbers of your responses to check your score later on the page.
Q.13 to 16: Your emotional needs for Fun
Q.13. I feel that my partner and I can genuinely have fun and laugh together, even when we’re not doing anything special.
How often do you feel like this?
– Always (5 points)
– Often (4 points)
– Sometimes (3 points)
– Rarely (2 points)
– Never (1 point)
Q.14. I feel I can freely joke around and be silly with my partner.
How often do you feel like this?
– Always (5 points)
– Often (4 points)
– Sometimes (3 points)
– Rarely (2 points)
– Never (1 point)
Q.15. I feel a sense of joy and relaxation when doing things together with my partner.
How often do you feel like this?
– Always (5 points)
– Often (4 points)
– Sometimes (3 points)
– Rarely (2 points)
– Never (1 point)
Q.16. I feel that my partner inspires me to embrace openness and be spontaneous.
How often do you feel like this?
– Always (5 points)
– Often (4 points)
– Sometimes (3 points)
– Rarely (2 points)
– Never (1 point)
End of Fun section: Calculate your score
Sum up your points and write down the numbers of your responses to check your score later on the page.
Test Results
Safety Score Results
20 to 16 points
It seems that your emotional needs for safety are being well met in your relationship. You feel comfortable, respected, and secure, knowing that your views, feelings, and boundaries are valued, even during conflicts. Your relationship fosters a strong sense of mutual trust and emotional security.
15 to 11 points
Looks like your emotional needs for safety are being somewhat met, but there may be occasional moments where you don’t feel fully at ease. While the relationship provides a generally safe and respectful space, there are areas where improvements could be made to enhance your sense of emotional security.
10 to 4 points
It seems that your emotional needs for safety are not being met in your relationship. You may feel uneasy or hesitant to express yourself, and conflicts or boundaries might not be handled with the care and respect you need. Addressing these concerns could help build a more secure and supportive dynamic.
Connection Score Results
20 to 16 points
Your emotional needs for connection in the relationship seem to be consistently well met. You feel secure, intimate, and closely bonded with your partner, enjoying a strong sense of trust and friendship.
15 to 11 points
Your emotional needs for connection in your relationship seem to be somewhat met, but there may be areas where you feel a bit more could be improved. While your relationship has a solid foundation, there might be occasional feelings of dissatisfaction or distance.
10 to 4 points
Your emotional needs for connection in this relationship are not being adequately met. You may feel disconnected, insecure, or unsatisfied in the relationship, and it could be beneficial to explore what’s missing and how both partners can work together to strengthen the bond.
Appreciation Score Results
20 to 16 points
Your emotional needs for appreciation in this relationship seem to be well met. You feel seen, valued, and understood by your partner, and you are comfortable being your authentic self. There’s a strong sense of mutual respect and open communication, allowing for a deep appreciation of each other.
15 to 11 points
Your emotional needs for appreciation in the relationship appear to be somewhat met, but there may be moments where you feel misunderstood or undervalued. While there is a foundation of appreciation and respect in the relationship, there’s room for improvement in how you and your partner communicate and recognise each other’s needs.
10 to 4 points
It seems that your emotional needs for appreciation are not being met in this relationship. You may feel that your partner doesn’t fully understand or appreciate who you are, and communication might feel strained or incomplete. Addressing these concerns can help foster more appreciation and openness in the relationship.
Fun Score Results
20 to 16 points
Your emotional needs for fun in your relationship seem to be well met. You and your partner enjoy each other’s company, find joy in shared experiences, and feel comfortable being playful and spontaneous together. There’s a strong sense of mutual relaxation and enjoyment, allowing for a light-hearted, fun relationship.
15 to 11 points
Your emotional needs for fun in the relationship appear to be somewhat met. While you and your partner can have fun and share light moments, there may be times when the playfulness or spontaneity feels lacking. Strengthening the fun and carefree side of your relationship can bring more joy and connection.
10 to 4 points
It seems that your emotional needs for fun are not being met in this relationship. You may feel that the relationship lacks playfulness or that there are few opportunities to enjoy light-hearted moments with your partner. You might even feel stressed, and wonder if things are taken way more seriously than they need to be.
Found out you have unmet emotional needs? Here’s what you can do.
How to meet your needs for Safety in your relationship
Firstly, it’s important to discern if this is happening because you feel unsafe within yourself, or because you feel trapped in an unsafe situation.
If you feel trapped in an unsafe situation, it is crucial to try and seek help as soon as possible. Here’s a website with a list of resources that can help you: https://www.helpguide.org/find-help
If you feel unsafe within yourself, it is just as important to acknowledge it and seek help, however of a different kind.
Our internal sense of security plays a significant role in how we perceive safety in our day-to-day experiences, sometimes even more than external factors such as the situation we’re in and the people involved.
When our emotional needs for safety are met, we can more easily navigate challenging situations with confidence. When they’re not, even safe people and seemingly neutral events can be perceived as a threat, keeping us in a constant state of fear and anxiety.
Ironically, reconnecting with your internal sense of safety involves learning to allow your feelings to emerge, including our fears and insecurities. It’s common for feelings of insecurity to arise from a fear of our feelings, or the fear of fear itself, rather than from the situation at hand.
Here’s a short practice to get started:
Get some pen and paper.Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths, letting the air come in and out slowly from our nose.Open your eyes.Read the following prompt:
“What am I afraid of? What feelings am I running away from?”Write.
You might also be interested in our Printable Test & Action Plan for unmet emotional needs for Safety.
It was designed to help you assess how well met your Emotional Needs for Safety are, and create an action plan to start feeling safe within yourself and your relationships.
How to meet your needs for Connection in your relationship
Our emotional need for connection is one of the main reasons why we are wired to seek relationships — more specifically, the need for intimacy.
This is such a powerful emotional need that it can drive us to overlook some of our other important ones, such as safety.
The best way to make sure you are cultivating a strong and genuine bond with your partner is learning to communicate your feelings and needs from a place of vulnerability instead of shaming and blaming — by the way, did you know that behind every accusation there is an unmet emotional need?
You might also be interested in our Printable Test & Action Plan for unmet emotional needs for Connection.
How to meet your needs for Appreciation in your relationship
This is the need to feel valued and seen for exactly who we are, and it’s another powerful drive that leads us to seek relationships.
There is nothing more fulfilling that knowing that there is someone that has seen all sides of us, with all our flaws, and yet values us for exactly who we are.
However, the reality is that many of us approach and seek relationships with a broken sense of self, hoping to get someone else’s validation and approval in order to feel good about ourselves.
Sadly, this is a often a recipe for disconnection and dissatisfaction.
The best way to feel appreciated in relationships is to cultivate a healthy sense of self, anchored in the belief that we are good enough already. This allows us to feel empowered to communicate our feelings and needs in a way that our partner will listen.
You might also be interested in our Printable Test & Action Plan for unmet emotional needs for Appreciation.
How to meet your needs for Fun in your relationship
This is the need to feel care-free, silly, and do things for the sake of pure enjoyment.
It’s about embracing our innate sense of playfulness and joy, allowing ourselves to indulge in activities with complete openness.
While at the surface we may look like adults, in reality we are all reflections of our inner children. And what do children need to do to feel happy and fulfilled? Play.
If we can’t let our hair down and have fun with our partners, what is the point?
Fun and play are about being fully present in the moment, embracing openness, and tapping into our spontaneity.
The best way to cultivate our inner children in our relationship is to simply allow yourself to play.
Engage in imaginative playtime, do things that make you laugh, go to spontaneous adventures that allow you to see both yourself and your partner under a different light.
You might also be interested in our Printable Test & Action Plan for unmet emotional needs for Fun.
Final words
Having your needs met in your relationships takes emotional intelligence, accountability and vulnerability.
At jornee, we believe that relationships don’t go sour because of lack of love, but because of lack of vulnerability and communication.
This is why we create our content and our resources: we want to help people become happier and more connected with themselves and the world around them.
What did you think of this test?
Did you learn something new about yourself or about your relationship?
What did you think about the resources we’ve shared?
Let us know in the comments!
Thanks for reading! If you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read, remember to follow the publication (and clap/comment too!). Want to write for Mindful Mental Health? Please check out our submission guidelines and ask to be added as a writer in the comments of that post.
Online Test: 16 Questions to Assess Whether Your Emotional Needs Are Being Met in Your Relationship was originally published in Mindful Mental Health on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.