Confronting cognitive distortions through a new imaginative approach.
Photo from the author — self-portrait
I live with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and I am regularly visited by aggressive, distorted thoughts. They come at all hours of the day and sometimes they are so loud and obtrusive, I am revolted by their presence. I obsess over them and I try my best to lessen their weight, but some days are harder than others.
On some days, I spend hours getting upset with the thoughts and reasoning my way to victory against each one of them. After many years, I learned that taking on the thoughts is futile for people like myself who live with OCD.
To live healthily with OCD, my therapist empowers me to separate my thoughts and to observe their nature.
With the holidays behind me, I drew a comparison between my various distorted thoughts and the three ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future from Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. Using Dickens’ literary characters empowered me to break down scary and disheartening thoughts, seeing them as less of a threat and more as a series of spectral visitations.
Whether you have OCD or not, you may have experience ruminating over distorted thoughts. I hope breaking down your thoughts into the following characters helps you confront them. and see them for what they really are — ghosts.
The OCD Ghost of Christmas Past
Let me tell you all about the first ghost. In the bedroom that is my mind, a breeze stirs through the corners of my mind and there comes the OCD Ghost of Christmas Past. It’s covered in cobwebs and soot and it shares a startling vision from my past: I see a regretful memory. I see a time when I offended or neglected someone I care about. My ghost asks me why I let down my friends and family. The pointed question rattles me and I spend hours running away from mental images of loved ones’ disappointments. It doesn’t matter if they were ever disappointed with me in real life. The ghost tells me how much I screwed up.
With courage, I choose not to respond to the ghost and its accusations. Instead, I choose to observe the specter. I let it be. It continues its haunt for some time. Eventually, though, the ghost leaves me alone. I remind myself all ghosts fade after some time.
The OCD Ghost of Christmas Present
The second ghost is just as frightening. In the bedroom that is my mind, the air grows stale and morose; here enters the OCD Ghost of Christmas Present. A bright fire consumes its frame and it shares a cold and unsettling vision of my present: I see me, living never fully enough for my own satisfaction. The ghost whispers that my time is short and I am wasting it all and will have nothing to show for my existence. It tells me I spend too much time with the ghosts of the past and the future. Drawing up my resilience, I let the ghost of OCD Present talk on and on until it grows bored with me. Eventually, this ghost leaves me, too.
The OCD Ghost of Christmas Future
Like from the Dickens story, the last ghost is the scariest of the lot. In the bedroom that is my mind, the light goes out and it flickers a sickly yellow in the distant passageway; with heavy trudging steps, there arrives the OCD Ghost of Christmas Future: it shows me a fabricated and melodramatic future where I am destined to do something I come to despise. With a booming voice, it assures me that my fate is set and the die is cast. The ghost shows me visions of my friends and family, disappointed with me. Though the ghost is full of conviction, I know it will tire itself out and like the others, eventually go away. The ghost is scarier than the others because it begs me to give up my free will. I know its vision isn’t real. Like the others, this ghost leaves me after some time.
Taking Back Power
Each ghost frightens me and it likely frightens you. Its visions scare me but they have no real basis in my world. They rile up anxiety and I hold their spectral flame close to my eyes, allowing them too often enough to tint my life.
After one therapy session, I brought up the ghosts to my therapist and it occurred to me that my distorted thoughts are exactly what I make of them for better or for worse. In A Christmas Carol, Scrooge listened to them and chose to lead a new life on Christmas Day. I too have the power to choose how to respond to the frequent visits from my own haunts. I know they will continue to enter through the bedroom window of my mind and I accept them and wait for them to fade away.
With Hope
I feel lighter and more like myself each time I separate myself from the distorted thoughts and recognize them as lingering specters anticipating to frighten their victim. Like ghosts that cannot pass onto the next realm, my OCD ghosts love to linger and feed on fear. But perhaps running from these thoughts and attempting to fight them is not my best response.
By learning to observe my distorted thoughts and calmly manage their presence, I let the ghosts come and go. I hope that one Christmas Eve they perhaps will pass onto the next realm and leave me alone. Until then, I welcome my unannounced guests.
Welcoming My Three Ghosts of OCD was originally published in Invisible Illness on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.