Future faking yourself compounds dissatisfaction with your life
Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko
The future is not guaranteed. And if it comes, we enter that future as a different person than our current selves.
In working with aging and elderly people, I repeatedly hear the sentiment “Mom made me promise to never put her in a nursing home” from an overwhelmed and financially depleted child.
First of all, don’t demand your kids (or anyone else) make promises that could result in the destruction of their health, financial well-being, or sanity.
Not wanting to be removed from your home and placed in a facility should be an unspoken understanding we all share. In fact, don’t mention it at all unless you specifically want to be institutionalized.
But when people make these requests and promises in reply, they are basing them on their current standards. They are trying to predict the future.
If you ask me today what my goals are, I will reply based on the information, identity, and choices of today.
The pleas these parents make are based on the fears of a relatively healthy, but aging person. Remove their physical function, cognitive abilities, or social connections and their priorities may change.
When autonomy and independence are stripped away, priorities often become safety and dignity. Forcing a child to be a full-time caregiver before losing the ability to change your mind is not “dignity”.
In time, being in a care home could be the most dignified choice. Especially if it means not forcing your children to wipe their parents’ ass, risk their health, and strain their finances or relationships.
The inverse of trying to prevent future suffering is relying on future satisfaction.
Just as tomorrow’s pain may be created by trying to provide immediate reassurance, current dissatisfaction can be ensured by waiting for tomorrow’s happiness.
Photo by nappy
The arrival fallacy describes the belief that fulfillment will come from accomplishing a certain goal. But often, by the time we meet those aspirations, we do not feel the anticipated contentment.
This is another example of making future promises based on current desires. When that future arrives, we have often outgrown our past priorities, and our sights are set on the next goal.
Creating new intentions is not harmful. We should embrace change, growth, and flexibility in life. It is the belief that our satisfaction hinges on those achievements that is harmful to us.
The arrival fallacy avoids the responsibility of creating happiness with current circumstances. It is not a displaced investment in your future, but rather a neglectful procrastination of your current self-worth.
Happiness, satisfaction, and peace are not states to obtain but muscles to be exercised. They require mindfulness, gratitude, and appreciation for the journey.
Arrival fallacies are a form of self-sabotage and commitment issues. It is future-faking your relationship with yourself. Waiting for another day to find fulfillment ensures that you will show up that day less capable of enjoying what it brings.
Cultivating happiness in the present is not hedonism or carelessness. It is a prioritized effort to focus on your current emotional health and growth.
Honor yourself today with actions that align with your present values and circumstances. Resist the trap of rigid expectations and understand that life is fluid, surprising, and not guaranteed.
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The Trap of the Arrival Fallacy was originally published in Mindful Mental Health on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.